Beer brats and mayo-based salads

You can party with a brat

Boy oh boy oh boy. Things aren’t looking great for this old democracy of ours, are they? Well…let’s not think about it for the span of the next 10-13 minutes. Let’s think, instead, about something we can all agree on: the cookout.

The cookout is a beautiful thing. Just catching a whiff of a neighbor’s grill is enough to lift your spirits. It’s impossible not to flare your nostrils and say, mmm smells good, to yourself or whoever happens to be nearby. If you walk past an ongoing cookout, you will almost certainly be tempted to wander into the backyard and self-invite.

I put out an informal survey earlier this week to get an idea of what people look for in a cookout. Here’s what they had to say.

What’s your main?

• Burgers were the decisive winner with 42% of the vote, followed by hot dogs (26%), brats (23%), and wings (7%).

• Hot dog–eaters had stronger opinions on toppings. Burger-enjoyers tended to go classic (cheese, ketchup, pickles, onions, lettuce).

• I’m disappointed in the brat placement, personally. We can do better.

Key quote: You can party with a brat.

Sides

• Voting here included “No” votes that I couldn’t figure out how to represent in a pie chart and I didn’t want to go with a bar graph…so…

• Corn on the cob and fruit had widespread support, along with chips, and dessert.

• Opinions were divided on mayo-based and vegetable-based salads, but trended toward favorable.

• I was bullied into eating my first ever oyster at a cookout yesterday which hadn’t occurred to me to list as an option.

• Write in favorites included (I apologize for the oversight for most of these): guac, salsa, pickles, ambrosia salad (barf!!!), baked potatoes, pasta salad, and collard / mustard greens.

Key quote: Pasta salad baby!!!

How many plates are you having?

• I shouldn’t have made this a free text field, but it seems most of you are having 2.

• Some of you seem to think there is no limit.

Key quote: 1. Unless I’m high, then 1-4.

Drinks

• A cold one takes it with 42% of the vote, followed by a pretty much equal distribution of support for sparkling water, normal water, soda, NA beer / mocktails, and THC seltzers.

• I was relieved no one is drinking milk at the cookout.

Ideally, are you the host or guest?

• This was closer than I expected with 58.3% preferring to be guests and 41.7% preferring to host. Sounds like we all need to be throwing and attending more cookouts.

Ideally, what’s your role in the cooking?

• Grillmeisters account for 35% of us, and we thank you for your service 🫡

• The rest of us are filling the eater-only role (29%), doing auxiliary food prep (23%), or on clean up crew (13%) 🫡

• The eater-only group expressed some remorse and some glee

Key quote: I emotionally support the grillmeister.

What are you wearing to the cookout?

• Most of us are in shorts. Some specified the type, including:

  • Short shorts

  • Slutty shorts

  • Cargo shorts

  • Jorts

  • Gym shorts

  • Cutoffs

• Most are in T-shirts, with band shirts and linen camp shirts getting a shout out.

• A few opted for sundresses. A few are in swim suits / trunks.

• Shoes weren’t mentioned often, so you’re all either barefoot or, if you are wearing shoes, it’s either Birks or “flippy floppies”.

• No one mentioned sunglasses, I guess that’s a given. Only 1 mentioned a hat.

• Several mentioned all black in light of current events.

Come on now, black band t-shirt and cargo shorts, the Gen X dad uniform.

Aside from eating, what are you getting up to?

• By and large, we’re yappin (30%: 16% of us categorize this as gossip, 14% just catching up) and chillin (20%).

• The more active among us are playing yard games (14%), doing stuff on the water / lake (12%), curating the music / dancing (10%), setting off fireworks (8%), and getting into general antics (6%).

• Yard darts and cornhole (bags) got a special shout out. Others are interested in laying out and getting a tan. Someone’s reading (at the cookout?). One person called out a desire to avoid yard games. 

• Thank you for sharing your gossip with me

Key quote: [ redacted ]

Favorite part? Any cons?

• Some of you are too focused on it being the 4th of July and not focused enough on it being a cookout.

• Some gave shouts to family tradition, decades of memories, and seeing people you don’t see every day.

• Fireworks / sparklers are a crowd favorite.

• The sun and the heat can be a problem for the palest and most delicate of us.

• We all love not having to work!

• We also love a cooler full of icey drinks.

Key quote: Con: swamp ass

And that’s a wrap on the 2024 cookout survey results. Disagree with anything you saw? Throw your own cookout and invite me, we can hash it out then. I would especially appreciate it if you have a pontoon boat we can take out.